| do you really want to get inside of my head? no? i didn't think so |
[17 Apr 2009|06:55pm] |
just a heads up this is going to be a lot of rambling. it's going to be really boring, especially if you hate american idol or even hate me, though i really doubt anyone has had the chance to hate me that much yet. either way if you read it you might understand me more... or less. depending! see what i mean?
okay, here we go... there's been a lot of one line updates on the friends page (no offense guys!) or a youtube posted instead of a real entry (again, no offense meant! i promise). while that's all fine and dandy for some people, for ME it really isn't that hard to take a few minutes of my time aside to just talk about what's been going on in my life... i mean of course when ANYTHING has. right now i have so much going on that i will probably find it hard to stop rambling. i mean i ramble a lot anyways! if you have absolutely nothing or no time then i can understand. i get buying time, i guess i just always have something to say when i absolutely have to so it isn't that hard for me. i hope nobody thinks i am a jerk, eesh... but lucky for me no one will even read this except matt.
i think right now it would be a joke if i tried to say i have absolutely nothing to talk about! i'm sitting here in shock thinking about it, like, how i am in the top 7 on american idol. oh my god i have seriously watched this show since it started, i went to paula abdul's concert for my first concert when i was younger... so to be out there auditioning for this, to get to go to hollywood, standing there in front of her and in front of simon and randy and now kara... it was so intense. i wasn't sure how they would react, if simon would like me because he is the most critical and hard to please. i mean i don't know, i think a lot of people think i have all this theatrical background and experience so i'm calm and smooth and sail my way through every week but no way. i wonder if people even notice how scared i am right after i perform because i never know how the judges are going to react! i mean, and if you actually know me you know how much i worry and how tense i am, sometimes i can't even sleep monday night! and besides, if you learn anything from american idol at all by watching the past seasons it's that nobody is a guaranteed winner. you can have the hugest fan following but still be sent home. so many amazing people came so close to winning but didn't, and then some of those that won- have we even heard from them again? it doesn't make sense, but at least those that were amazing and sent home early are doing SO well for themselves. hi, chris! love you.
this coming week on the show two people are going to be eliminated, so that means i might have to be packing my bags! i hope not, i don't want to go home quite yet, even though it's literally around the corner since i live out here in hollywood. at the same time, even when i am "safe" i hate seeing my friends having to leave each time too. i got so scared for matt last wednesday, i felt sick to my stomach before the show because i had a scary hunch it was him. i think this season we're all a lot closer to each other than any of the past shows, though it's hard to tell from just watching the show. i am really glad that this was the season i picked to audition for, and that i was picked, and continue to be picked by all the viewers at home to keep competing and stick around longer.
i really do hate to think of it as we're all out there competing against each other for votes, for the contract, because i have never really felt that competitive urge, you know? i have never really sat and thought about it, i guess i have to want to in order to win this thing. but it's just not there. nothing even close to anything like i had while auditioning for an act i wanted to be a part of. i am sure this is similar to fighting for a lead role in a play, but honestly i'm quite happy to make it out of this with a supporting role, it's been exciting getting to make it this far as it is and i am so thankful for all the fans and friends voting to keep me on. i mean top 7! i am happy to be involved at all. i want to see what comes of it and if i am eliminated next week then i am lucky to have made it this far and it's been a really unforgettable experience. yeah it is really tough to think about this ending early because i have fought really hard to get noticed at all for the past few years, so i hope this is my big break. i think the worst part is how close i have become to the other contestants and while i want to reach MY goals, my dreams, i also want to see them reach theirs. i wish we could all have our own recording contract, and you could hear us ALL on the radio. maybe it will turn out that way.
the only other thing i can think of to mention for this update is my personal life. ahhh...or more like lack of. there have been a few really amazing potential people i could easily date and be happy with, but i have been trying to steer clear of one at all right now. it's stressful enough each night trying to do the promotion, the rehearsing, the practice, the performance, worrying about making it, worrying about your closest friends there making it through to another week with you. the last thing i want to do is add the pressure of working around their schedule onto it. it's kind of selfish but i really have been trying for years to make this happen, so yeah, right now? my main concern really is ME. plus it's hard to decide who really likes you or who is just along for the ride. i've had friends i haven't heard from in years calling me up all "hey adam! congrats on american idol you are doing amazing!" and i'm like "didn't you stop talking to me...?" so it's really weird, i heard about that happening but it actually does. second cousins, extended family... it sucks because i am the type of person that would be close to them again but i try to steer clear because of what their obvious motives are. but so right now, i'm happy with the friends i have, and i am actually happy not dating anyone. i spend time with my close friends, the other contestants, oh and this girl that has been really understanding to everything and supportive of me. hi jess. but this way, i am able to focus on my career and not worry about disappointing someone or hurting them, and maybe when this whole thing is over then i can worry about having someone there to fall asleep next to every night, because i do miss that. i would love to be like michael sarver with a wife cheering me on, or like lil has her husband. i bet it's an incredible feeling to have the person you love completely believing in you and seeing you through to reaching your goals and dreams. so if you actually have that right now, cherish it, hold on tight and don't let them go. for now, this update is done. i will see you guys in a few more weeks! <3
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